"Steve..." Her face was etched with concern. "How can you think that? I know that this war is brutal, but you should not resign yourself to such a fate."
Mary hated to hear him talk like that, as if his life didn't matter at all. Even though Mary didn't know him very well, he seemed like a person who contributed good things to the world. They needed people like him.
"No, you don't, Mary," he cut her off a little abruptly, but hopefully not too rudely. He sighed, shaking his head at her. "You don't know. And thank God for that. Thank God for all the people who will never... never see the things we have. It's for those people's futures I fight. For your future— for you."
Coming to terms with the fact that he would likely die was just easier. Easier than think and hope he would make it. Because that could make him a coward, someone who would pull from a fight or a confrontation, who would hide away in fear because he had dreamt and hoped too much for a life after all that Hell to be so willing to give it up.
"It's... alright. It's alright. I've come to terms with it. I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself, anyway."
She took a step back from him and put her hand on her chest. Of course he was right about her not knowing what the war was really like. She never would, and she didn't want to. It didn't mean that she had to agree with him throwing his life away though.
"It's not alright," Mary said with a shake of her head. "You are... you seem like too good of a person to lose. Saving the world for the rest of us doesn't mean that you should sacrifice yourself for it."
She only took her hand away from his arm, but still it felt like a chasm had cracked open wide between them. His eyes were downcast, but he said nothing to that, drawing in on himself as he let that distance settle between them.
"I don't think... we shouldn't be talking about this," he said, hoping to lighten the mood again. "I'm not going out there with the intent of killing myself, not if I can help it. But I am glad to— to take good memories with me."
Mary looked at the sadness on his face, and it cut her deeply. She never would have guessed that he looked so sad simply because she had taken her hand off of his arm.
Perhaps they should talk of more pleasant and vapid things, but Mary only changes the topic slightly. "You said you have known many beautiful and wonderful women but that it isn't enough for you. Why not?" What exactly was he looking for that he hadn't found yet?
She really seemed intent on digging deep into every little nook and corner of him, even the ones that rarely saw the light of day. He found himself wishing to go back to when he still had a broken arm, and their conversation was light and teasing, and her glances at him were as inappropriate as they were indiscrete. When she wasn't engaged to anyone, and maybe then it wasn't highly improper of him to smile, tease back or stand just a little too close to her.
"Because I didn't love any of them," he said simply. "Why else would I want to marry someone?"
That was such a simple answer that it almost took her aback for a moment. "Well, there are lots of reasons," Mary found herself saying. "Security could be one, or the fact that it is a match that makes sense and is advantageous to both parties."
People who were not members of the upper class did not need to deal with such things. Maybe they could afford to marry for love. After what had happened with Pamuk, Mary's reputation was hanging on by a thread. Richard would help restore it and make sure that none of the papers printed anything about her.
"That's when you're signing a business contract. Think you're getting the two a little mixed up, Lady Mary," he hummed, unable to stop himself from teasing a little. He knew what she meant, though. Knew there were plenty of people who didn't marry for love, but out of necessity. Out of some need to keep the good family name or a reputation, or to simply not be alone. Steve found all those reasons frankly archaic and ridiculous.
He'd never marry for anything other than love, period. He could die in shame and penury for all he cared.
"Do you not love your fiancé?" It was a bit of a personal question, he knew that. But she had asked him some so far, so he figured there was no harm in trying, at least.
"Marriage can be a business contract," she replied quickly. It seemed that was what it was for most members of her society.
His question left her momentarily speechless though. Mary could protest it being too personal, but she didn't have much ground to stand on after the questions she had asked him. "I..." She fumbled for an acceptable answer. "He's a good man. Very sharp. Runs a newspaper business. Our personalities seem well matched. If it is not love now, in time it will be."
It was the answer he expected, to some degree. After her talk of marriage like it was only a logical agreement, a contract more than a declaration of love, he had a feeling that Mary's feelings didn't run very deep for Richard. But he didn't say anything. He had no right to, after all, as it was her life and her choice to make, and he had no bearing on that decision. He would be gone in four days and they would never see each other again.
He did lift his eyebrows a little, as he turned his head away and nodded quietly. "Alright."
"What?" she asked, probably pushing the topic. "You don't think there is value in accepting a marriage for anything less than love?" Mary was a practical sort, and while she did believe in love, there were more factors to a marriage than that. She couldn't run off and marry just anyone. She had her reputation and family name to think of. A woman like her was never bound to marry purely for love.
Mary glanced over at one of the rose bushes beside them. "I wish I had that option," she said quietly.
"I don't think there's value in trapping yourself in a miserable and unhappy marriage, not for any reason," he stated plainly, being honest since honesty was what she asked for. "But I am no Lord. I don't have to worry about the same things you do. So what do I know?"
He did mean that. Their lives were drastically different, and he couldn't begin to imagine the pressure Mary was under. He also couldn't say, had he been born under the same circumstances and raised the same way as her, if he wouldn't share in those opinions.
He'd like to think that he would have stayed the same, that he would have stuck to his same beliefs and principles nonetheless.
"I do hope you're happy with him, Mary. I hope you're right— that you do end up loving him."
It was much easier for him to say, not having to deal with the things that she did. And, she felt, being a man. Nobody cared if a man had sex before marriage, but it was ruinous to a woman, especially one of her class. Mary had made unwise decisions, and she hoped that she might be able to scrounge some happiness out of the consequences.
"I want you to be happy too, Steve. If memories of Downton make you happy, then I want you to keep them."
It was more than just a little hypocritical that people even cared about that when it came to women. Because if women couldn't have sex before marriage but men could, then... what was the solution, here? That men only have sex with each other before they marry? Granted, Steve had nothing against that. It just didn't quite suit his tastes.
Society made absolutely no sense when it came to things like that, sometimes. When it came to a lot of things, actually.
"They do," he nodded, looking back to her. "Can I ask... for one other memory to take with me?"
Mary looked back at him, brown eyes meeting his blue ones. She had always thought that men with blue eyes were exceptionally handsome. Maybe it was because her own father had blue eyes.
Slowing down to a halt, Steve turned to face her, hesitating for a moment before he finally took the couple of steps separating them. He took his hands out of his pockets but it took him a moment to get himself to settle them on her arm, a light touch she could easily pull away from.
Actually she could easily pull away from anything he did right then, as it wasn't his intention to force himself on her. He still hoped she wouldn't, though, especially as he tipped his head down and closed his eyes just in time to press his lips to the corner of her mouth in a soft kiss.
Mary froze, a soft gasp coming from her lips as he embraced her. That was not what she had been expecting at all. Her pulse raced in her chest with both excitement and nerves. At least they were alone in a fairly secluded garden.
"Steve..." She whispered his name. Was that why he had been asking about her engagement? They had shared an intimate moment when she had helped bathe him, but Mary did not think that it had gone any deeper than that for him.
He didn't pull her too close, nor did he try for more than a single, featherlight kiss. Her lips and skin were still as warm and soft as he'd expected, and he let his head rest close to hers for a moment, eyes closed as he took a slow, quiet breath.
A happy memory. That was what it was, and what he had asked her. Slowly pulling from her, he opened his eyes again and smiled, putting a respectable amount of distance between them again. "Thank you."
She nodded, entirely unsure of what to make of that and whether further analysis was a good idea or not. If that was what he wanted, there was surely no harm in giving it to him. Mary would probably never see him again after he left.
"One more thing," Mary said as she reached over to the rose bush next to her. It took a few moments of work, but she was able to break one of the stems without pricking herself on a thorn. She reached out and placed the rose in the lapel of his jacket.
Even though the rose would die eventually, Mary hoped that it might remind him of her and of Downton.
Further analysis was what he was hoping to avoid, really. Considering she was going to marry some other man, and Steve was leaving in a few days, this needed no examining. It would be easier on him, and possibly on her too, not to speak another word about it.
He watched her curiously as she went to pick up a rose, though, then he let out a chuckle as she placed it on his jacket. Ducking his head a little, he patted lightly at the flower, tugging it here and there to make sure it wouldn't fall off so easily.
His smile brought one back to her face. She nodded. "It looks perfect." Of course it did. Everything looked good on him.
"Now you look like you're escorting me to a ball," she teased as she slipped her hand back into the crook of his arm. They needed to walk back to the house, as Mary was expecting Richard soon.
He let out a soft laugh, turning back to the house even if he didn't really feel like leaving the peace and privacy of the garden. "Ah... I like balls. They're fun. And I am quite the dancer."
No he wasn't. Well, he managed alright. But mostly he just swayed.
"Are you? How disappointing that we didn't have one then." The ballroom was currently being occupied by many of the patients. She supposed that most of the men staying at the house weren't in much of a mood for celebration anyway.
Steve always seemed to be in a relatively good mood, even though he knew he was going back into a war zone soon enough. Mary liked that about him. It made her wish that they had a bit more time to spend together.
"Suppose it is. But we'll always have the memory of that bath, so there's that," he teased a little, winking at her. He wasn't feeling particularly happy right now, admittedly, but he'd rather face things in a good mood and with a smile on his face. When he could, anyway.
He wouldn't have many reasons to smile soon enough, after all.
She laughed, the sound light and sweet. "I apologize for being so terribly awkward during that. I don't think I would make a very good nurse."
The reason she had gotten through it at all was because it had been him. He had made her feel comfortable and had been a gentleman about the whole thing. If he had been disagreeable or lewd she probably would have given up.
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Mary hated to hear him talk like that, as if his life didn't matter at all. Even though Mary didn't know him very well, he seemed like a person who contributed good things to the world. They needed people like him.
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Coming to terms with the fact that he would likely die was just easier. Easier than think and hope he would make it. Because that could make him a coward, someone who would pull from a fight or a confrontation, who would hide away in fear because he had dreamt and hoped too much for a life after all that Hell to be so willing to give it up.
"It's... alright. It's alright. I've come to terms with it. I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself, anyway."
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"It's not alright," Mary said with a shake of her head. "You are... you seem like too good of a person to lose. Saving the world for the rest of us doesn't mean that you should sacrifice yourself for it."
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"I don't think... we shouldn't be talking about this," he said, hoping to lighten the mood again. "I'm not going out there with the intent of killing myself, not if I can help it. But I am glad to— to take good memories with me."
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Perhaps they should talk of more pleasant and vapid things, but Mary only changes the topic slightly. "You said you have known many beautiful and wonderful women but that it isn't enough for you. Why not?" What exactly was he looking for that he hadn't found yet?
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"Because I didn't love any of them," he said simply. "Why else would I want to marry someone?"
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People who were not members of the upper class did not need to deal with such things. Maybe they could afford to marry for love. After what had happened with Pamuk, Mary's reputation was hanging on by a thread. Richard would help restore it and make sure that none of the papers printed anything about her.
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He'd never marry for anything other than love, period. He could die in shame and penury for all he cared.
"Do you not love your fiancé?" It was a bit of a personal question, he knew that. But she had asked him some so far, so he figured there was no harm in trying, at least.
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His question left her momentarily speechless though. Mary could protest it being too personal, but she didn't have much ground to stand on after the questions she had asked him. "I..." She fumbled for an acceptable answer. "He's a good man. Very sharp. Runs a newspaper business. Our personalities seem well matched. If it is not love now, in time it will be."
That was probably as good as she could hope for.
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He did lift his eyebrows a little, as he turned his head away and nodded quietly. "Alright."
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Mary glanced over at one of the rose bushes beside them. "I wish I had that option," she said quietly.
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He did mean that. Their lives were drastically different, and he couldn't begin to imagine the pressure Mary was under. He also couldn't say, had he been born under the same circumstances and raised the same way as her, if he wouldn't share in those opinions.
He'd like to think that he would have stayed the same, that he would have stuck to his same beliefs and principles nonetheless.
"I do hope you're happy with him, Mary. I hope you're right— that you do end up loving him."
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"I want you to be happy too, Steve. If memories of Downton make you happy, then I want you to keep them."
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Society made absolutely no sense when it came to things like that, sometimes. When it came to a lot of things, actually.
"They do," he nodded, looking back to her. "Can I ask... for one other memory to take with me?"
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"Of course," she replied.
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Actually she could easily pull away from anything he did right then, as it wasn't his intention to force himself on her. He still hoped she wouldn't, though, especially as he tipped his head down and closed his eyes just in time to press his lips to the corner of her mouth in a soft kiss.
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"Steve..." She whispered his name. Was that why he had been asking about her engagement? They had shared an intimate moment when she had helped bathe him, but Mary did not think that it had gone any deeper than that for him.
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A happy memory. That was what it was, and what he had asked her. Slowly pulling from her, he opened his eyes again and smiled, putting a respectable amount of distance between them again. "Thank you."
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"One more thing," Mary said as she reached over to the rose bush next to her. It took a few moments of work, but she was able to break one of the stems without pricking herself on a thorn. She reached out and placed the rose in the lapel of his jacket.
Even though the rose would die eventually, Mary hoped that it might remind him of her and of Downton.
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He watched her curiously as she went to pick up a rose, though, then he let out a chuckle as she placed it on his jacket. Ducking his head a little, he patted lightly at the flower, tugging it here and there to make sure it wouldn't fall off so easily.
"Does it look good on me?"
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"Now you look like you're escorting me to a ball," she teased as she slipped her hand back into the crook of his arm. They needed to walk back to the house, as Mary was expecting Richard soon.
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No he wasn't. Well, he managed alright. But mostly he just swayed.
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Steve always seemed to be in a relatively good mood, even though he knew he was going back into a war zone soon enough. Mary liked that about him. It made her wish that they had a bit more time to spend together.
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He wouldn't have many reasons to smile soon enough, after all.
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The reason she had gotten through it at all was because it had been him. He had made her feel comfortable and had been a gentleman about the whole thing. If he had been disagreeable or lewd she probably would have given up.
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